In which I’m honest and open about my insecurities
I’m going to be pretty open and candid in this post, and hopefully some of you will be able to relate. I’ve been thinking about this all day, and I’m ready to talk. So have a cup of tea, and let’s talk.
Some Small Facts About Me
Not the fun little facts I’ve had to come up with in all those tags and awards, which I am so tremendously horrible at. These are a different kind of facts.
- I am hide-under-the-covers terrified of other bloggers.
- I have gone back and deleted posts many times.
- I feel like I don’t quite have a right to talk to anyone who has been blogging for more like, one hour.
- When people say something nice about me or my blog, I fall out of my chair.
- I have this idea that no one actually reads my posts, so when someone leaves a comment or says something about me that could only come from paying attention, I pretty much die.
In short, I’m insecure, and I feel like I shouldn’t be talking to any of you. You guys are too awesome for me. What are you doing here?
What is Happening? No Idea.
I think part of this insecurity comes from the fact that I knew nothing about the book blogging community when I started this blog. I wanted to blog
about Les Miserables about books, and I started a blog. And I started posting stuff about books. And also just silly stuff. And that’s still what I’m doing today.
But I follow all these really awesome book blogs, and they all have these regular tags and abbreviations and book hauls and they do these structured reviews and know what books are coming out and what books are cool…In short, they know what they’re doing.
Increasingly, I’m starting to feel like I’ve got my nose pressed against the glass of the book blogging community, and I’m just: “Hey. Hello. I like books.”
Confession: The other day at Barnes and Noble, I spent most of my time staring at the display: “What Teens Are Reading This Summer,” trying to decide if any of the books looked like something I could be interested in, so that I could read some of them and be all hip and relatable over here.
I realise all the cool book bloggers had to start somewhere, but I don’t envision myself ever getting to where they are. I dislike structure and adore pointless rants far too much.
So it’s like, there’s BOOK BLOGS and then there’s my book blog.
Sure, I have calendars and a notebook of post ideas and stuff, but what’s really happening is that I’m just posting what I feel like, when I feel like it, and pretending it’s a plan.
You Guys Are So Incredibly Kind, But Scary
I’m secretly scared of all of you. Even the super nice ones I love to pieces.
Every time I comment on one of your posts, I feel like I’m bothering you. In fact, every time I hit “publish” on one of my posts, I have a mini-heart attack. Do I post too much? I don’t want to take up room in your reader. Maybe I should have scheduled that one for a week from now.
And following blogs! Some of you may have heard me say (because I’ve said it over and over) that the about page is the first thing I check on a blog I haven’t visited before. That’s true, but it’s also a fact that I often also check how many followers a person has. If they have anywhere near 100, I follow, but it’s a thousand times more stressful to leave a comment. If they have thousands, I still probably follow, but I feel really bad about it somehow.
You see, I have this theory that at some level of success, people must get kind of annoyed by new followers. Like they’re going about their day, writing their amazing posts, and this WordPress notification comes up: “QuirkyVictorian and 193,953,045,435,434,534,645 bajillion others followed your blog, Super Awesome Successful Book Blog.” And they just kind of roll their eyes.
I don’t want to interrupt them, you know?
I Try Not To Look At Stats
It’s not for the reasons you might think. It’s not views, visitors, likes, or comments that gets me worried. It’s just one stat in particular. And that is…
The Latest Post Summary!
This. This is the kind of thing I’m talking about:
I see this, and my thoughts go something like this: 16 views and only 4 likes? Well, what about those other 12 views?! What went wrong there? They did not like. They must have actively disliked. They hated it, and now they hate me. That was it. The last straw. The post that finally tipped the balance out of my favour. I’ll have to delete my blog! I’ll just delete my blog and disappear. Everyone is just too nice to unfollow me, but they’ve had enough. And it’s been 2 hours?! Things are not looking good! This is a disaster! My worst post yet!!!
This stat is the kind of thing that results in my anxiously scrutinising the post to find the offending detail, when for all I know, only 4 people viewed the post and one person just refreshed the page 12 times. (I mean, it could happen.)
So I don’t look at stats. I can’t handle that kind of stress in my life.
But Here’s The Thing
Maybe you’re with me on all these things, and know exactly what I’m talking about. Or maybe you’re just feeling incredibly sorry for me. But if you do relate; if you, too, feel like a fraud and have trouble considering yourself a “real” blogger, then listen up:
If you have a blog, you are a blogger.
Your blog does not have to be like other people’s blogs, even if those other blogs are successful.
In all likelihood, successful bloggers like followers and comments almost as much as the rest of us.
You are good enough to talk to anyone you want to, because you’re awesome.
I mean it, guys. It’s true. It’s a scientific fact that anything typed in centre alignment is like, automatic wise words and completely true. So believe it. You’re wonderful. You all are so amazing and I’m so happy every time I see your posts in my reader.
And if any of you ever feel intimidated to interact with me—
*laughs hysterically* *coughs* *chokes* *dies* *wipes tears from eyes* *wheezes*
Okay, yeah, unlikely, but you never know—in the highly unlikely scenario that any of you are intimidated by me, please don’t be. You have no idea how much it makes my day to hear from you guys. Truly.
So there you go. Those were my extremely honest and candid confessions. Just putting it all out there for you to do with it as you will.
Have a lovely day!